Trump's largely stopped getting intelligence briefings. The ideas to gain his attention back are ... weird

It has been an unfortunate news cycle for the White House. It hasn't been a picnic for the rest of us, either; suddenly people are using words like "throuple" in contexts that threaten to peel the paint off our eternal souls, and when Elon Musk follows up the throuple news and a new New York Times report accusing him of being on All The Possible Drugs by immediately showing up in the Oval Office visibly vibrating and sporting a black eye, his assertion that he got the shiner after asking his 5 year old child, the one with the name that sounds like a virus variant, to belt him—now, how are we to take that.

On one hand, there's something satisfying about the notion that toxic manchild Musk got the shit kicked out of him by a literal child. On the other hand, if you're asking a preschooler you are ostensibly caring for to punch you in the face then there is a whole lot there the rest of us are being asked to unpack, and that's even after presuming that X-B-420 or whatever the hell his name is does not know what "throuple" means.

This is hard on us too, Elon. Everything we have ever learned about your personal life has been against our will, but here you are. Still. Again.

Perhaps the most consequential bit of White House news of late, however, came from an NBC News report on the lengths Donald Trump's wormy advisers feel obligated to go to in order to get the seditious criminal to pay even the slightest attention to his own daily intelligence briefing. And it's a bit weird that the story came and went with such little fanfare, because it is insane.

President Donald Trump’s intelligence chief is exploring ways to revamp his routine intelligence briefing in order to build his trust in the material and make it more aligned with how he likes to consume information, according to five people with direct knowledge of the discussions.

As part of that effort, National Intelligence Director Tulsi Gabbard has solicited ideas from current and former intelligence officials about steps she could take to tailor the briefing, known as the President’s Daily Brief, or PDB, to Trump’s policy interests and habits.

One idea that’s been discussed is possibly creating a video version of the PDB that’s made to look and feel like a Fox News broadcast, four of the people with direct knowledge of the discussions said.

The first bit of consequential news is that:

According to his public schedule, since his inauguration Trump has taken the PDB 14 times, or on average less than once a week, which is less often than his recent predecessors

To repeat, Trump has tolerated sitting these intelligence briefings only 14 times, or about half as often as he's toodled off to play golf, and this is happening while the White House insists that we are in a state of multiple national emergencies that have required deploying the military to the southern border, ignoring countless congressionally passed appropriations laws, and seizing one-man authority over setting tariff rates despite that being quite explicitly something the Constitution prohibits because reasons. We've been told that college kids, their professors, and nearly every bit of scientific research in the nation has gone so out-of-control that the government must assert new and complete authority to manage university administration in all its respects.

The number of supposed national crises going on every day, all at once, is being used to justify taking a chainsaw to the Constitution in all the little venues in which fascist-minded conservatives have long dreamed of it. But at the same time, none of it is important enough for the alleged president and architect of it all to sit his butt down in a chair and listen to/read through the tersest possible updates of these supposed "crises."

Dear Leader is so gobsmackingly disinterested, in fact, that National Intelligence Director Tulsi Von Nutcase is in in despair, begging her peers to come up with some version of key-jingling that might keep the dumbass entertained long enough to hear what the intelligence community thinks are the three or four most urgent potential crises he needs to keep in his head.

The most extreme idea: Build a fake version of a Fox News set. Have the blondest blonde in the White House pretend to be a damn show host, and present our nation's most sensitive and urgent intelligence reports as if they were coming from a new Fox News channel that Donald Trump and only Donald Trump is allowed to see.

And for God's sake, throw in some music and fake explosions and shit. The fate of the world is at stake.

Under that concept as it has been discussed, the national intelligence director’s office could hire a Fox News producer to produce it and one of the network’s personalities to present it; Trump, an avid Fox News viewer, could then watch the broadcast PDB whenever he wanted.

A new PDB could include not only graphics and pictures but also maps with animated representations of exploding bombs, similar to a video game, another one of the people with knowledge of the discussions said.

ARE YOU FKING KIDDING ME THEY'RE GONNA PUT ANIMATED EXPLODING BOMBS ON THE MAPS SO THAT PRESIDENT DEMENTIA'S EYES ARE ATTRACTED TO EXACTLY THOSE POINTS OF THE MAP.

Why not give him a joystick and have him guide the little animated bombs himself?

Instead of bombs, why not have little animations of golf balls rolling into holes? We already know the guy loves golf more than he loves bombing things. Ukraine just launched a successful attack on four key Russian airbases, blowing up a significant number of Russia's strategic bombers: Put little golf flags on the map where the four raids happen and maybe he'll take interest.

“The problem with Trump is that he doesn’t read,” said another person with direct knowledge of the PDB discussions. “He’s on broadcast all the time.”

Indeed. And what a gentle way to say "Donald doesn't take his intelligence briefings or do much else because he's glued to his television 24/7."

Now, here is the question we must ask ourselves, and the question that everyone involved in this story is asking themselves but was unwilling to go on the record for: Does it matter whether The Criminal listens to his intelligence briefings?

Conspiracy crank and aspirational(?) Russian asset Tulsi Gabbard is in charge of assembling these briefings. Do we think it's better that Donald hear what Tulsi Gabbard thinks the top issues facing the country are, on any given day? Or would it be better for all concerned if Trump did not hear it?

Even if the information presented is accurate, does anyone seriously expect Donald to do anything about it?

Here. Here's one of the latest in Insane Presidential Behaviors: Donald Trump boosting a fan's claim that Joe Biden is not real.

There is no #JoeBiden - executed in 2020. #Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see. >#Democrats don't know the difference. #Steel #ussteel #MAGA #MAHA

Oooookay then. So now we all get to ask ourselves whether the (alleged) sitting (alleged) president thinks his immediate predecessor was "executed" and replaced with a clone and/or robot...

... or whether the eternal dumbass just saw a picture of himself and reposted it without reading a damn word of he was broadcasting.

Do you think that'll make it into the presidential brief? A section evaluating whether or not Joe Biden is secretly a robot? Is this something Donald has demanded Tulsi Gabbard look into? What percentage of the nation's intelligence community will now be devoted to determining whether or not the last president was, as suspected by This Seditious Addled Twit, a toaster?

There have been no recent press events in which Donald Trump has been able to muster even a passing understanding of the things he was signing. He famously insisted the world's most obvious edited photograph, one of a man's supposed tattoos, was real. He often tries to leave the room before he's signed whatever his aides have put in front of him; he is frequently stumped when asked about news events the rest of the planet knows about; his online lies have gone from weird to incoherent.

The problem here is not, by itself, that Sir Golfs-A-Lot remains completely uninterested in national security and intelligence matters. The bigger problem is that you could put on a three-ring Fox News-themed fake news circus and, in the end, Donald Trump would still lack any capacity to make competent decisions based on what you're telling him.

He flits from tariff to tariff and from conspiracy to conspiracy like a leaf on the wind. A big, musky, stupid ol' leaf. You think you're going to fix that?

If National Intelligence Director Tulsi Gabbard wants Trump to pay attention to his job for longer than a half hour a week or so, it might be better to start small. Rather than building an entire Fox News set, climb into a big cardboard box with a hole cut in the side and put on a literal puppet show. If Donald can't listen to his actual advisers, perhaps he will listen to Socky The Newspuppet. Or wait—we know Donald has had a good working relationship with Grimace, in the past. That could work.

We'll have one of our top military generals get in an enormous purple Grimace suit, and Grimace can deliver the news of the day. Grimace can tell him which Russian airbases were successfully bombed over the weekend. Grimace can explain the latest Chinese military movements, or give updates on Yemen, or Pakistan, or that nice fellow in North Korea. Grimace can hold a cheeseburger in one hand the whole time, and Donnie only gets the burger if he listens to the end.

That could work, right? And it'd be a hell of a lot cheaper than building a new television studio.

There's one very, very big reason why the "what if we make a fake Fox News broadcast so that President Dementia thinks he's watching television instead of doing his actual job" plan is a worse idea than doing nothing at all. That problem?

Advertising.

Let's presume Gabbard and the rest of the devilkin assembled to lead Trump around produce this fake television show. Let's assume that they succeed. What happens next?

Well, if every waking moment of our current lives is any indication, the full attention of the White House will immediately turn to attempts to cash in on this latest thing. And the best way to cash in, if you've suddenly got a fake news show that gets beamed directly into the president's butter-glazed eyeballs, is advertising, baby.

Presenting the Presidential Daily Brief, brought to you by Palantir! We now turn to Middle East coverage, sponsored by Qatar! This bombing brought to you by Boeing!

Yeah, let's ... not go down this path. Honestly, if you were to ask me, I'd say any attempts to get Donald Trump to do his day job are quite clearly useless; the man clearly no longer has the ability or focus. And I'll be the first to agree that that's a big, big problem.

But every time Trump tries to do the job of president, he universally makes everything he touches much, much worse. Perhaps our national security would be better served by turning on the Teletubbies and letting the man waste his remaining years away?